If counselors had a dime for each time they were asked that question, they’d be wealthy beyond imagining. It is understandable, though, why people want the answer. They would like to know how long they are going to take hurting. They would like to know how long it is likely to take to obtain marriage “fixed “. Unfortunately, the solution is not an easy one.
The thing is, wanting to impose an occasion limit on your own recovery can do more harm than good. There is no “outline” for healing, and you may find that the healing doesn’t even take a straight line. There will be good days and bad days, steps forward and steps back, and you need to understand that that is ALL perfectly normal. However, don’t let the bad days drag you down in a mire of negativity, where you may be tempted to quit, or “get even “. Concentrate on the positive.
Take the time to find you exactly what you need to get over the affair, and then say it clearly and calmly. Look for what you need. If you want your husband to be in constant contact, then tell him so. Don’t hold back your feelings and try and choke them into submission. Be sure that you are heard, and that you are truly understood. It is OK to be always a little selfish here; you are stating certain requirements for your healing and your marriage’s recovery, and there is nothing that is more important right now. Holding back on voicing your feelings and needs can result in resentment, and then you are likely to result in another mess.
Take a seat along with your spouse and find out why, exactly, the affair happened. This really is likely to be painful, however it needs to be addressed. Healthy marriages are not hit with affairs, and if your partner cheated, there should have a reason. Find out what needs they’d that were not getting met, and take steps to mend that lack. If they want counseling, support them in that. Go through the affair as a symptom, not as the disease.
However, don’t allow yourself to take the blame for the affair. Whatever reasons your partner had for cheating, ultimately, the affair was a choice. They thought we would cheat, and they have to take responsibility for that mistake.
When you begin to truly get your needs met, you will begin to get over the affair, and not before. The trust that was fractured takes time to rebuild, and there is no shortcut to marital recovery. Pay attention to rebuilding that trust, on opening communication, and on restoring your shattered self-esteem, and you can get over the affair. It takes some time, and sometimes it takes baby steps, but you are able to end on the other side of the mess with a stronger, more vital marriage.